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Louis C.K.

One thing that's confusing to me is racism is always nasty.

Why can’t we have racism that’s ignorant...but nice?

You'd have stereotypes that are positive about race.

You could say, “You know, those Chinese people—they can fly!

And jeez, those Puerto Ricans—they’re made of candy!"

—Louis C.K.

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Dave Chappelle

Somebody broke into my house.
This is a good time to call the police;
but mm mm, nope.
The house is too nice.
They'll never believe I live in it.
They'll be like, "He's still here!" Whack!!!
"Open and shut case, Johnson.
I saw this once when I was a rookie.
Apparently this ni**er broke in
and put up pictures of his family everywhere."

—Dave Chappelle

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Emo Philips

When I was a kid, I prayed and prayed for a bike.

Then my mom said, "Religion doesn't work that way."

So I stole a bike

and asked God for forgiveness.

—Emo Philips

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Kumail Nanjiani

Some people are too stupid to have opinions;

they haven't earned the right.
I was talking to this guy about the gender inequality in Saudi Arabia
and he said, "It's not really their fault, Kumail.

The Koran says women can't drive."

I'm pretty fucking sure the Koran never said that.
Because if the Koran had said that—fourteen hundred years ago—

I would be at the mosque right now.
And so would you.
Imagine if fourteen hundred years ago the Koran had said
"Someday there will be a metallic box and it will carry you everywhere.
It will have four wheels, and you'll use a thing to control it, and you'll put gas in it...
and women shouldn't drive it."
If that happened, I would know two things for sure.
Islam is the one true religion.
And women shouldn't drive.


—Kumail Nanjiani

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I was in the Middle East recently.
They treated me so nice there, I almost converted...
until I found out their stance on bacon.
They got a strict "no bacon" policy
and that's where I draw the line.
Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons.
I won't try religion for bacon reasons.

—Michael Che

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Jessi Klein

I am Jewish. If you're not familiar

with what that is, essentially,

I am a little bit sad all the time.


A Jewish tradition that I feel

we need to reconsider is Hanukkah

when we give each other these

little chocolate coins covered in gold foil.

I just feel like when you're demonized
for being obsessed with cash,

you shouldn't be seen gobbling money.


And they always come in these

little yellow fishnets, you know,

like we just caught them fresh

from our ocean of wealth.


You should not be consuming your stereotype.

You don't see Asian people

eating chocolate math problems.


—Jessi Klein



You know how when you're sitting in a chair
you start tipping it backwards on its two back legs,
and then tipping it some more,
until you're just about to tumble over...

but then you stop yourself from falling at the last second?


I feel that way all the time.


—Steven Wright

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Jim Gaffigan

I am originally from Indiana.

I know what most of you are thinking.



But I turned out bald, blind, and pale.

I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.


Actually, the reason I look like this

is because my father was from Sweden

and my mother was Elton John.


I wish I was ethnic.

Because if you're Hispanic

and you get angry, people are like,

"He's got a Latin temper."

But if you're a white guy

and you get angry, people are like,

"That guy's a jerk."

—Jim Gaffigan

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Chris Rock

A man is only as faithful as his options.
No more, no less.

You see all these fat Republican guys going,
"This is a travesty! I would never do such a thing."
Ain't no 20-year-old girls tryin' to blow Orrin Hatch!
Ain't nobody tryin' to give Newt Gingrich some!

—Chris Rock

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Morgan Murphy

I recently bumped my head and got a black eye.
At first my reaction was "Fuck."
But then I started thinking,
"How often do I have a black eye?"
So I decided to make the most of it.
I put a Just Married sign in my car

and drove around crying.

—Morgan Murphy

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Maria Bamford

I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, like, a job

...and the missing half of this golden amulet.

—Maria Bamford

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Natasha Leggero

When you break up with a guy,
why does the guy get so upset?
Like, it's just business.
 It's hard breaking up with them

because you have to be, like,

"Listen, you've run out of money."


—Natasha Leggero

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Amy Schumer

I'm often asked, "Is it harder being a female comedian?"
No. We tell jokes like everybody else.


It's just harder being a female in general.


Like, prep time. A guy puts on a shirt,
checks in the mirror, gives himself

a thumbs up, and he's out the door.


It takes me 90 minutes just to look this mediocre.


Us women are like circus freaks

with all the stuff we need to do.

We wear heels, which is like

walking around on stilts all night.

We paint our faces with makeup like we're geishas.

We wear jewelry and other shiny things

as if to say, "Look over here!

Follow me to the altar!"


At the end of every Saturday night

you'll see some girl carrying her heels

and crying off her makeup.

She just gave up.

You can hear her thinking,

"Why didn't anyone pick meee?"

It's awkward.

As is the puke on her tube dress.

—Amy Schumer

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Amy Schumer

I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now.
Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed.
Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying?
And I shut them off, and he turns them on.
The other day, he's like, "Amy, why are you so shy?
You know, you have a beautiful body."
I was like, "Oh my god, you're so cute.
You think I don't want you to see me?"


I just went through a breakup, actually.
I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely.
I'm just worried about all the pictures.
But my mom always told me, you know,
ever since I was a little girl,
"'Never put your face in them."


I hate false advertising. "Skittles: Taste the rainbow."
No one's ever been, like, "Rainbow, right you guys?"
Or what's Reese's? "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's."
Oh, really?
Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear.
What? All right, maybe your uncle didn't love you.


—Amy Schumer


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Whenever I meet a pretty girl,
the first thing I look for is intelligence.
Because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.



Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl,

I play it smart and always,
and I mean always,
automatically assume she has herpes.

Because then that way

I don't have to tell her about my herpes.



My girlfriend likes to joke that she has a chocolate addiction:

"Keep me away from those chocolate bars, Anthony,

I'm addicted to them!"

It's really annoying.

So I put her in the car and drove her downtown

and I pointed out a crack addict.

And I said, "You see that, honey?

Why can't you be that skinny?"


—Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik

You don't know anything about pain
until you've seen your own baby drown in a tub.

And you definitely don't know anything
about how to wash a baby.



My girlfriend hates that I make rape jokes.

She said, "Anthony, how can you make light
of something as terrible as rape?
Especially after I told you
that I got raped in high school?"
And I  said, "Baby, it's because

I don't believe you."



I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.

My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.

Literally while she was eating cake.

And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.

I mean, I still have birthday parties.

But now I'm just careful what I wish for.


—Anthony Jeselnik

From the first time I saw Anthony perform at Whiplash in 2007,
I expected him to become one of the finest stand-ups in the history of comedy.

And he has.

His first album Shakespeare (available for instant download
for just $5 by clicking here) is brilliantly crafted dark comedy,
but with a certain odd sweetness to it.

His new DVD/CD Caligula pushes the darkness further—
e.g., it contains three rape jokes (the one above
is the most politically correct of the bunch),
four suicide jokes, three Holocaust jokes,
three inspired bits regarding pedophilia,
and other material teetering on the edge of acceptability.

It's also a more mature work, both in terms of the structure
of the material and the assurance with which it's performed.

Watching Anthony walk his tightrope so skillfully
and hilariously is one of the greatest pleasures of stand-up today.

Anthony's hour-long Comedy Central special Caligula
debuted on the network Sunday, January 13th.
An extended & uncensored DVD version of the show is now available
from Comedy Central and Paramount Home Entertainment.
Bonus feature include Anthony's uncut performances from the
Comedy Central Roasts of Donald Trump, Charlie Sheen, and Roseanne.
To buy the DVD, please click here.

The extended & uncensored Caligula has also been released on audio CD
by Comedy Central Records. To buy the CD, please click here.

In addition, Caligula is available in HD exclusively on Xbox LIVE
and Sony PlayStation Network, and in SD on iTunes and Vudu.

Anthony is a unique talent and comedy giant; and he's just getting started.
Enjoy this next addition to what I expect will end up as a mind-blowing body of work
from this genius writer/performer on the path to superstardom.

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Erin Judge

I'm bisexual, and people don't get that.

They're always like, "Wow, you're bisexual, that's so out there,

you have so many choices, how do you deal with it, so many choices!"

Okay, look, not that many choices.

It's two: Dudes. Chicks.

Dudes are dumb. Chicks are nuts.

My choices are stupid or crazy.


With a woman I end up saying stuff like, "Honey, please stop crying.

When I said 'I love you' I didn't mean to sound sarcastic.

How is that even possible? 'I ha love you ha-ha'?

Honey, don't cut yourself. Honey!"


But with dudes it's much more like,

"Don't pee on that!

Do not pee on that.

That is mine.

Get your own boob."

Two choices. Neither is ideal.

—Erin Judge

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Ted Alexandro

Marriage is basically finding someone you can tolerate.

It's not love after a while, just someone you can put up with.
That's why they use the word take in the marriage ceremony.

"Can you take this woman as your wife?

And you, ma'am, can you take this guy?

Because I'm getting irritated just looking at him.

All right, do what you want."

—Ted Alexandro

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Jerry Seinfeld

There's very little advice in men's magazines
because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.
Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing,

just show me somebody naked."

Men want the same thing from their underwear
that they want from women:
a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The idea behind the tuxedo
is the woman's point of view that men are all the same,
so we might as well dress them that way.
That's why a wedding is like the joining together
of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy.
The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women
because they know that men are undependable.
So in case the groom chickens out,
everybody just takes one step over,
and she marries the next guy.

—Jerry Seinfeld

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Bill Burr

Three out of four marriages go right down the shitter.

If you were about to skydive and they told you

three out of four parachutes didn't open,

you'd say, "Fuck that. I'm not goin'!"

I don't like those odds—

a 75% chance of splatting on the ground.

But there's something about getting married,

people just have to do it. They're like,

"Is this the line to lose half my shit? Awesome!"

—Bill Burr

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Todd Barry

I'm told all the time, "Todd, you're in show business,
you're single, you're adorable, you must get laid constantly."
I'm just saying what they tell me, don't shoot the messenger.


Then they ask, "Todd, when you're on the road at these comedy clubs,
do you hit on the waitresses?"
People, I'm a professional, and I have a policy.

I will not hit on the wait staff

until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.


So I was out with a waitress last night and we bumped into a couple I know.

"Hey," I said, "did you see that new Harry Potter movie?"
"Yes, we saw it."

"Did you like it?"

"We thought the script was good, but we thought

they should've used different lighting in the exterior shots."


"Wow," I said. "You both walked out of the theater thinking that.

I woulda figured even a married couple

of lighting directors wouldn't both think that.

"What I figure happened is one of you said that.

And the other of you, being weak and pathetic,

pretended to agree.

And now I'm supposed to believe your two hearts beat as one...

because god forbid you disagreed on a movie."

—Todd Barry

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John Mulaney

Donald Trump is not just a rich man.
He's what a hobo imagines a rich man to be.
It's like Trump was walking through an alley
and he heard a guy living there say,

"Boy oh boy. As soon as my number comes in,
I'm going to put up tall buildings with my name on them.
I'll have fine golden hair.
And a TV show where I fire people with my children."
And Trump said, "That is how I will live my life.

Thank you, hobo, for that life plan."


I bet whenever Trump has to make a decision,
he asks himself, "What would a cartoon rich person do?"

Put up billboards with your face everywhere? That's a good idea.


Donald Trump won't run for President.
He'll just announce one day that he is President.


—John Mulaney

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Pete Holmes: Impregnated with Wonder

I am so glad I am not a magician.
Comedy audiences come to have a good time.
But magic is the only kind of entertainment
where 90% of the people there
are trying to ruin it for themselves.

"No! No way!! It's a mirror!!!"

I was at a show recently where I saw a man fly.
A wingless mammal took flight!

To prove it wasn't a wire he flew

through hoops, was amazing.

And this guy next to me leans over

and goes, "It's a magnet."

First of all, shut your mouth and enjoy the show.

And second, what does that even mean!?

I think those are just two things he doesn't understand.

"Well, I don't get magnets, and I don't get this.

This is magnets."

With comedy, there's a built-in
biological response, which is laughter,
that makes it very rewarding for a comic.

But there's no noise for magic.

That must be so frustrating for magicians.

I bet their one dream is for people to have

an involuntary response to what they do.

"And the tiger? It's over here now!"

And everyone in the audience,
even the ones who don't want to,

would go,


—Pete Holmes

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Daniel Kitson

When I was 16, a schoolmate and I

were in the library checking out books.
My friend complimented the librarian on her sweater,

saying it looked very nice.
"Well," she said, "it keeps one warm."
I responded, "What about the other one?"


—Daniel Kitson

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John Oliver

An 8-year-old boy turned to the kid next to him

and he said, "I hate you."

And this kid was devastated.

He started crying those kinds of tears

you can sob only as a child.

He was saying, "I don't know

why you hate me; I don't know

what I have done to make you hate me."

And then softy, so quietly you had

to strain to hear it, he said, "Fuck."

The first boy heard him and said,

"Hold on. Do you swear?"

And he said "Yes."

And they were friends again.

Don't tell me swearing is wrong.

I have seen its healing properties.

—John Oliver

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Leo Allen

I realized recently that I dress like I'm 12.
And I'll always dress like this.
But say I have a 4-year-old son,
and we're walking down the street together.
I'll be dressed like I am now,
but to balance it out I'll make him
wear a three-piece suit and carry a briefcase.
And that way when some stranger
walks up to us on the street and says,
"What the hell is going on here?"
I'm going to train my son to say,
"We got hit by lightning!"
And then I'm going to go,

"Things with Mom are really weird."

—Leo Allen

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Mike Lawrence

Have you seen Joss Whedon's The Avengers?


I have. Fifteen times.


That movie made every wish I had as a child come true.


Well, with the exception of my divorced parents
coming back together.


But I hear Whedon's working on a sequel

so am still crossing fingers.

—Mike Lawrence

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Gary Vider

I went on a job interview.
The lady asked me if I'd pass a drug test.
I said, "Yeah, if it's written."

Then she was like, "You're going to need to pee in a cup."
I said, "I'm going to need a month to study for it."

I also joined a gym recently.
The guy who showed me around was so excited it was open 24 hours.
He was like, "You can work out at 3:00 in the morning!"
I told him, "Dude, if you see me in here at 3:00 am, call an ambulance,

because I've been trapped under a piece of equipment for several hours."


—Gary Vider

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Drew Carey

Do you hate your job?
There's a support group for that.


It's called everybody.


And it meets at the bar.


—Drew Carey

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Ophira Eisenberg

I'm terrible with money.
I always give money to people on the street.
Then one day I passed by this homeless guy
calling out to everyone, going,
"Give money to the homeless!
Give money to the homeless

'cause you don't know,

one day it could be you.

I was like, "Oh my God,"

and I was about to give him some change.
But then I was like,
"Wait; maybe I should hang onto this..."


—Ophira Eisenberg

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Demetri Martin

Studies have found that

when somebody describes himself as a taxpayer,

he's about to be an asshole.

—Demetri Martin

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Brian Regan

Have you been to a greeting card store lately?
There's a whole section called Blank Inside.
The guy who created these must be laughin' all the time.

"What do you do again?"

"I make—" (chuckling uncontrollably)
"I make Blank Inside cards.
Picture of a tree, nothing inside.
No little limerick. Nothin'!

They're buyin' a crease!"


I've been sending these out to select friends:

"Sorry you're feeling so blank inside.
I feel like that myself sometimes."


You know what else is fun?

You pick somebody at random,

like out of the phone book,

and send them about a hundred Just Because cards.

They can't even ask you why you did it.

—Brian Regan

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Taylor Williamson

Comics are often asked, "Who's the funniest one in your family?"
The answer is usually modest: "Oh, my brother is the most hilarious guy I know"
or "My mother, that's where I get my sense of humor."
When I get asked that, I say, "
I'm, like, a comedian.

I have a business card that says I'm funny."

It's such a weird question.
Would you ask Oprah, “Who's the best talk show host in your family?”

Or would you ask Michael Douglas, "Who's the best actor in your family?"

Okay, bad example.

—Taylor Williamson

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A doctor tells a guy, "I have bad news.
You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer."

Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."


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Zach Galifianakis

This year my New Year's resolution was

to stop saying "Seacrest out!" after I ejaculate.

—Zach Galifianakis

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Laura Kightlinger

Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day...
Is that fair to anyone who's alone?
Those are all days when you've got to be with someone.
If you didn't get around to killing yourself during Christmas or New Year's,

Boom! There's Valentine's Day.
I think there should be one more holiday after Valentine's Day,
just for the stragglers.
And it should be called "Who Could Love You?"


—Laura Kightlinger

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Lewis Black

Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America
that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason.
All of the candy corn that ever existed was made in 1911.
Since nobody eats the stuff, every Halloween there’s a ton of it left over.

I remember the first time my mother gave me candy corn.
She said, “Here, Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!”
I eat it. "This tastes like crap!"

But every October I find myself in a room that has a bowl of candy corn.

And like an Alzheimer’s patient, I look at it as if I’ve never seen it before.

Candy corn, I think. Corn that tastes like candy. I can’t wait.

Then I eat it. "Son of a bitch!"

—Lewis Black

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Demetri Martin

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas

because the piñata promotes violence

against flamboyant animals.

"Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz.

Let's kick its ass."

What I'm trying to say is,

don't make the same
Halloween costume mistake that I did.

—Demetri Martin

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Marc Maron

I like to grow my beard out around Christmas.

Then I visit malls dressed as Jesus and go around saying,

"No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!"

And if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and say,

"Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party."


I think the reason Jesus is so popular,

just on a celebrity level,

is that he died at the peak of his career.


He was young, he was well-spoken, he was hot.


Imagine if Jesus had grown old enough to get bitter.


There'd be a Third Testament to the Bible;

and it'd open with Jesus is in his 50s, knee-deep in water.

He'd turn to his one remaining Apostle and scream,

"I used to be able to do this!!"

—Marc Maron

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Emo Philips

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region,

or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879,

or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

—Emo Philips

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Bill Hicks

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing...kill yourself.


No, no, it's simply a little thought.

I'm just trying to plant seeds.

Maybe one day, they'll take root—I don't know.
You try, you do what you can.


Kill yourself.


Seriously, though. If you are, do.


There's no rationalization for what you do
and you are Satan's little helpers.


Kill yourself—seriously.

You are the ruiner of all things good.


No, this is not a joke.

You're going, “There's going to be a joke coming.”

There's no fucking joke coming.

You are Satan's spawn

filling the world with bile and garbage.

You are fucked, and you are fucking us.

Kill yourself—seriously.

It's the only way to save your fucking soul.

Kill yourself.


Planting seeds.


I know all the marketing people are going, “He’s doing a joke.”

There’s no joke here whatsoever.

Suck a tailpipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun.

I don’t care how you do it.

Rid the world of your evil fucking makinations.

Machi...Whatever, you know what I mean.


I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now.

“Oh, you know what Bill’s doing,

he’s going for that anti-marketing dollar.
That’s a good market, he’s very smart.”

Oh man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags!

“Ooh, you know what Bill’s doing now,

he’s going for the righteous indignation dollar.
That’s a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation.
We’ve done research—huge market. He’s doing a good thing.”

Goddamn it, I'm not doing that, you scumbags!
Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign

on every fucking thing on this planet!

“Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession.
Giant market. Bill’s very bright to do that.”

God, I'm just caught in a fucking web.

“Ooh, the trapped dollar. Big dollar, huge dollar.
Good market. Look at our research.

We see that many people feel trapped.

If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar..."

How do you live like that?

And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don't you?

“What didya do today, honey?”
“Oh, we made, ah, we made, ah, arsenic
a childhood food now, goodnight.” (snores)

“Yeah, we just said, you know, is your baby
too loud? You know?” (snores)

“Yeah, you know the mums will love it.” (snores)

Sleep like fucking children, don't ya?

This is really your world, isn't it?

—Bill Hicks



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—Winston Churchill

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